The question of Happiness

I have been meaning to write this post for a couple days now. My excuse for not getting to it until now was me being sick for the past week but as I think about it now I realize that has not been why. The truth is I have not really been ready to write this post. What I mean by that is this is something I am struggling with and will continue to struggle with. But maybe writing about it will help.


The question of happiness. I guess it all started when my life started to fall apart as a young girl. Everything I knew about the world and love crumbled to pieces and at 12 years old I had no idea what to do. But looking back at that experience I would not take it back for anything. It was a new transition in my life and started something that I will never regret. That is when God let everything I had be taken away from me. And I only had him. Those moments of sadness and loneliness I took to him and he became my best friend. Middle school continued to be hard and I started to grow up and figure out how the world really worked. That realization brought me so low I started writing stories to create my own world. And in that world I could save it or destroy it. I could fight against the Monsters  and dance with the princes. Or I could dance with the monsters and fight the princes. Writing became my escape and by 14 I had so many books and journals filled I could not count them all. But along with that good habit of going to God I created an even worse one. I know it may sound weird to anyone who has ever met me but on the worlds standards I would be called a pessimist. Now what does that mean? right now I don't really care what the world calls it. I hate that word even if its true. During those months and years of hardship for my younger self I found sadness as a comfort. I would curl up all alone and write depressing poems and write stories so dark and tragic that I could not believe them myself. On the outside a smile was all I needed to please the world. But in those moments I got on a depressing high of all the pain I felt that it made me numb. The sadness made me feel. I found myself creating problems in my life just so the real problems were not my problem. I could blame someone else for my pain and try to save myself.
I craved that feeling of being depressed. Until I was actually depressed. I have never been in such a dark and hellish place in my life before. I remember the suicide thoughts the self harm and darkness that held me until I couldn't breath anymore. And every day I am scared ill go back. But in that time God helped me through it even when I thought he had rejected me. He pulled me out of it and my life started to move again.
 I remember the day I asked God if depression was a sin. and ill never forget his words. Marci he said. It was only a sin because you started to idolize death...

2 years later I am actually happy. I never thought I would be. I did not think it was what God wanted for me but I am so glad I was wrong. But it was actually my boyfriend that made me realize I am not as fine as I thought. I was upset about a trip that overlapped with other plans and that sadness started to take hold of me, I was happy being sad..The irony is sickening. I was happy feeling the pain..Holding onto the darkness.
So in this state he said,"Marci you want to be sad.. You don't want to be happy",
Happiness is my choice. And he was right. I was choosing to be sad.

Just like God made me realize I was idolizing death, sometimes I find that I am still doing that with sadness. I like being sad. Crying on the bathroom floor giving up hope gives me another tragedy to write, something to cry about other then the real problems at hand. I'm still broken but this realization has really helped me want to change. I want to make the choice to be happy and trust God. I don't know if any of you have this problem but I hope this has encouraged some of you. So when you have the question to be happy or sad please choose happiness because at the end of your life you don't want to remember all the times you choose sadness. Instead of trusting God of his plans. The Funny thing is I was so upset over that trip and one of them was canceled so now it all worked out. I think God just did that so I would grow, realize my choosing sadness,and maybe even to write this post to help others.

Thanks,
Marci:)

 Art by Marci Asi