Strings

she was a puppet held on by a thread.
never daring to fight. 
thinking without her strings
she'd just be
dead

M.A.A

Romance

Romance knocked on the door last night
I closed it saying sorry you are not real
Lust came and slept with me
Nothing feels right anymore
Love climbed through the window
I told him that the fake thing was cheaper
As I turned and kissed infatuation
I could not let him go
Fear wrapped around me
And I felt sickly warm
Emotion threw me to the ground and beat me
Friendship woke me in the morning just to betray me
Passion and zeal eloped that night
They did not say goodbye
That left me standing with my old friend hate
And even when he left loneliness was one never to leave
There I was again waking up to another dream

M.A.A

Alone

          

Genesis 2:18

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

        Alone. That word is one of the most terrifying words on the planet. Because as humans we were not meant to be alone. God created Eve because Man was not made to be alone. Then sin entered the world... and everything changed.

        I came up with this blog post in the middle of a sermon at church. And here i am writing it all out. This is for all the people who have to help others to feel whole.

      So I was there in church and I was feeling super depressed because one of my friends was going through a super hard time and i felt like i have not been the best friend. But as i sat there praying, i realized that I have been there for her and there was not much else i could do. I was sad because i felt like i had not helped her.. That's the problem with me.. I want to help too much. And when i can't, i get upset. Helping others physically helps me. At least i tell myself that. Sitting there i realized that she had her own life and i had mine. I could not fix her situation, i could just be there for her as a friend. Just like i realized i can't fix my situation..and i need to be a better friend to myself.

       With these thoughts it really just make me think about how alone we are in this world. Definitely when families break down and friendships fall apart. All because of sin. When we die we are alone and when we are born we are detached from our mothers and alone. Then i thought about something else. What has been the one thing that has been there for me. God. Yes we are alone on this planet but God has always been there for me. And i know he will be there for my friend. God gave me the people in my life so i am not alone all the time. Those times that you are alone with yourself it's really just you being alone with God. And he can help you find yourself.

     Now like me you may think well God gave me to someone to help them in their trials. But to tell you the truth He may be using that trial to grow them and you trying to get involved may even be getting in the way. Or maybe God is telling you to go help someone. But he will never ask you to do that if you start to live their life instead of yours or having them step all over you.

The main point is you can't try to change other people's lives.

 

 

 

       Now let's talk about relationships. What i said above can apply to relationships also. Definitely when you try to change your significant other's life in a controlling way. You may think you know best,. You know them, you know what they need. But trust me.. God knows better.. Not you.  

       Right now you might be thinking oh as soon as i get a boyfriend/girlfriend i'll be happy and i won't be lonely and everything will be great. Well i am here to tell you first off that is not true. As a matter of fact i feel more lonely after getting a boyfriend then before. Because before i was content being alone. I did not know anything else, I did not know that feeling of love and attachment. And for those people out there that do have a boyfriend or girlfriend you might then think like me well as soon as i get married then it will get easier. Now i have not experienced this first hand but i just from watching marriage after marriage fall apart i can say that hope is not true either. Once you stop looking at someone to heal your aloneness then you will stop feeling alone. Because God is there and he is once again that thing you are endlessly searching for.  

      I had someone once tell me that being lonely was a choice. Just as being alone and lonely are two diffrent things. I am sure you have experienced the saying of feeling lonely or alone in a crowd of people.

      I guess what i am trying to say in this post is that i guess it's sad that we have to leave other peoples lives alone..But then God is here for us and them so we are really never alone. Even sin can’t separate us from God and his love.

     Well i have to say this post took a very different twist then where i thought it was going but as always i hoped that maybe God will use this to help. Or maybe at least help take care of me.

Marci   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forget

        This picture almost hurts to look at. Doesn't it? Makes you cringe and look away. Doesn't it remind you of every pain you ever had. Hidden in your eyes. The ones you don't want to remember. Your heartbreak. Your childhood. Yesterday... The future you are scared of. Yeah it hurts a lot now doesn't it. Because none of that pain is physical. You forgot the time you broke your arm in middle school. You forgot that the bandage on your hand is because you cut your finger slicing an apple. You forgot how much it hurt when you went to get your first tattoo. You forgot the pain of getting a paper cut when you were reading a book. ..

       But you broke your arm trying to run from the bullies. You cut your finger remembering your last kiss. You got the tattoo to show your independence.  And you got the paper cut because you felt like you deserved it.... Emotional pain turns physical and how you wish it didn't hurt this bad.

 



Undelievered Love Letter

The only thing missing right now is the rain..and of course you. But believe me, you are in the absence of the sound. The Inhale and exhale of my breath. The pictures that are all around the room. The songs I used to sing to the moon; Hoping the ring of them might reach you. You are the blanket that reminds me of your gentle touch. And the dried roses that hold memories far better then I do. Because when they die at least they look beautiful. You are in the time that reminds me of all the last seconds without you.
You're all around me but I cant touch you.
You whisper through the air but I can't hear you.
I feel your lips close around mine but I miss you.
You are not here but I still love you.
And I once again go back to missing the rain..Because its better then missing you.


M.A.A

Wolves + Weapons

To be honest there is no good reason why we came up with the Name Wolves and Weapons. I guess you could call me the wolf and him the weapon. But it doesn't really matter, it's just a name. It's the music that is supposed to make you feel something.

Wolves and Weapons is a band that Me and my and River (my boyfriend) started a little while back.

We are working on two different albums. One full of covers and the other with lots of original songs me and River have written separately and together.

Me and Riv have both always had the dream of starting a band and we hope that one day we can share that with lots of others.

We just need people who will listen:)


I will keep you all posted with updates and maybe even some sneak peeks of some of the lyrics and album cover ideas.


We have a facebook page and a website if you are interested 

www.facebook.com/wolvesplusweapons/

http://wolvesplusweapons.weebly.com

Ashes

Sometimes the only thing left to see is the ashes..
And you say "what a shame"
Never knowing how strong the love once was or how cruel the game.

M.A.A

The Last To Die

You couldn’t breathe.  Everything around you froze as your little sister lay dead on the ground. The hardness of her lips stayed firm and you watched them as if they would come alive again. You were begging them to. There was no blood, for she died another way. Water; the thing that kept us alive had killed her. Her arm was twisted in a terrible way and no one seemed to care. The workers hustled her quickly into a glass case as you watched in horror.  She was wearing her favorite dress, pure white like her beautiful little soul. Starting to regain control of your limbs you walked toward one of workers.- Introduction to my book "Last To Die"


In this post I would like to introduce one of my books I am writing at the moment. I Just hit 10,000 words and I aim for at least 40,000 more. 

I started the brainstorming for this book thanksgiving day of 2014 and three years later I only have 5 chapters. I hope to change that number quickly though. This book idea started after reading a book that inspired me so much I knew I had to write a book that would do that same thing for others. I over brainstormed this book though and I has only come back to it recently. I had to make some big changes but now I am really happy with where it is going. 

The main idea of the book is a dystopic society searches for their purpose in life in inhumane ways. Only to find that they have a creator. And in case you did not notice the whole book is written in second person. Yes I love writing in second person...  

The main character in the Book is Scarlet who is 17 when the book starts. She has been the hardest character to write because she doesn't have my personality. I find myself writing myself into her much more then I intended. 

On the other hand, the second main character in the book is a boy named Reve. He is pretty much a male version of me, very much a dreamer and creative.  This book is also hard to write because part of the book is about honesty. And so the characters have to be very honest. So I would defiantly call it a young adult book.

If any of you guys are interested in the book let me know and I can let you guys read it while it is being written:)
 

Marci

 

The question of Happiness

I have been meaning to write this post for a couple days now. My excuse for not getting to it until now was me being sick for the past week but as I think about it now I realize that has not been why. The truth is I have not really been ready to write this post. What I mean by that is this is something I am struggling with and will continue to struggle with. But maybe writing about it will help.


The question of happiness. I guess it all started when my life started to fall apart as a young girl. Everything I knew about the world and love crumbled to pieces and at 12 years old I had no idea what to do. But looking back at that experience I would not take it back for anything. It was a new transition in my life and started something that I will never regret. That is when God let everything I had be taken away from me. And I only had him. Those moments of sadness and loneliness I took to him and he became my best friend. Middle school continued to be hard and I started to grow up and figure out how the world really worked. That realization brought me so low I started writing stories to create my own world. And in that world I could save it or destroy it. I could fight against the Monsters  and dance with the princes. Or I could dance with the monsters and fight the princes. Writing became my escape and by 14 I had so many books and journals filled I could not count them all. But along with that good habit of going to God I created an even worse one. I know it may sound weird to anyone who has ever met me but on the worlds standards I would be called a pessimist. Now what does that mean? right now I don't really care what the world calls it. I hate that word even if its true. During those months and years of hardship for my younger self I found sadness as a comfort. I would curl up all alone and write depressing poems and write stories so dark and tragic that I could not believe them myself. On the outside a smile was all I needed to please the world. But in those moments I got on a depressing high of all the pain I felt that it made me numb. The sadness made me feel. I found myself creating problems in my life just so the real problems were not my problem. I could blame someone else for my pain and try to save myself.
I craved that feeling of being depressed. Until I was actually depressed. I have never been in such a dark and hellish place in my life before. I remember the suicide thoughts the self harm and darkness that held me until I couldn't breath anymore. And every day I am scared ill go back. But in that time God helped me through it even when I thought he had rejected me. He pulled me out of it and my life started to move again.
 I remember the day I asked God if depression was a sin. and ill never forget his words. Marci he said. It was only a sin because you started to idolize death...

2 years later I am actually happy. I never thought I would be. I did not think it was what God wanted for me but I am so glad I was wrong. But it was actually my boyfriend that made me realize I am not as fine as I thought. I was upset about a trip that overlapped with other plans and that sadness started to take hold of me, I was happy being sad..The irony is sickening. I was happy feeling the pain..Holding onto the darkness.
So in this state he said,"Marci you want to be sad.. You don't want to be happy",
Happiness is my choice. And he was right. I was choosing to be sad.

Just like God made me realize I was idolizing death, sometimes I find that I am still doing that with sadness. I like being sad. Crying on the bathroom floor giving up hope gives me another tragedy to write, something to cry about other then the real problems at hand. I'm still broken but this realization has really helped me want to change. I want to make the choice to be happy and trust God. I don't know if any of you have this problem but I hope this has encouraged some of you. So when you have the question to be happy or sad please choose happiness because at the end of your life you don't want to remember all the times you choose sadness. Instead of trusting God of his plans. The Funny thing is I was so upset over that trip and one of them was canceled so now it all worked out. I think God just did that so I would grow, realize my choosing sadness,and maybe even to write this post to help others.

Thanks,
Marci:)

 Art by Marci Asi