Depression

It feels like you are drowning. It's the thoughts that keep you up at night. It's when you have to get the pain out so you bleed until you can breath again. It’s when you smile so no one will know. Its when you want to tell someone but instead you say that you are just tired. It feels like you are being held hostage.. But it lets you go out in the world. No one sees the gun held to your head yet they don't ask why you seem distant. And if they do ask it tells you to whisper “i'm fine”. It tells you you are worthless and a burden. And it has a way out. All you want to be is free and no one knows death seems like the only option.  

And what does it look like? It looks like nothing..

It's name is depression.

I have heard so many people tell me to just get over it. Below are a few of the worst things to tell someone who is depressed.

“Just be happy”

"You have no reason to be depressed"

“Go see a counselor, you are too dark for me”

But it's not their fault.. They are just trying to help. I have had family and friends tell me those things and i wish they understood. I promise we are not trying to get attention. Believe me if we were why try to hide our pain and scars so much?

In this post though i am going to try to make you understand.

And maybe some of you reading this are depressed or have been. Maybe it's different for you but this is me.

Let me first say this first. Depression is not the opposite of happiness.

People throw around the word depression like they do cussing. To them it no longer holds meaning.

Depression is not parallel to sadness. In fact i can be happy and depressed at the same time. I can laugh and smile and yet be depressed. The same way i can be joyful and sad.  

At first i had no idea what the opposite of depression was. But now i do. The opposite of depression is joy.

Here are both their definitions:

Depression. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Hopelessness.

Joy. The emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying;keen pleasure; elation

Depression is an interesting label and different people label depression as different things. The clinical term for depression is this.

At least two or three of these symptoms for more than a month or two is clinical depression.

Let's go back to the difference of sadness and depression. Depression is a coping mechanism for many. It's mine in fact. It may sound weird at first but i really is not. Depression makes me go numb. When i can't handle life, going numb seems like a good option. Why do people cut? To feel something. Blame the pain on something else.

Sometimes you don’t know why you are depressed. And there is no easy fix. I am not going to list all the things to try to make it go away. I can't. We can't just become happy because we aren't just sad. Usually something is causing depression. You feel worthless, a burden to the world. Maybe someone hurt you. Depression is something that other people can help with though. Someone who is depressed just needs love. Just needs a hug and to let them know everything is going to be OK. Because believe me it's not very convincing whispering it to yourself while tears are streaming down your face and your wrists are burning because of the hot shower.

At first i wasn't going to do this post because i did not want people thinking i am depressed again. But i decided i wanted to do this post for others. To help others understand. Do you have a friend that is suicidal? This will hopefully make you understand if you really don’t. I was suicidal once. It's a scary place to be. Yet calming in a sense. IT makes you try to believe you still have some control over your life. And Suicide will make the pain end once and for all. But as someone said suicide also erases all chances of life getting better.  I have a heart to help. I want to help others. It made me feel better. That i was worth something but recently a friend who was extremely broken opened up to me.. And through that experience i realized that i couldn't help him. Because i was as broken as he was. I wanted to help yet i couldn’t.  

I mentioned in the post Question of happiness that i asked God if depression was a sin. And he said it only was because i was idolizing death.. At this point i wasn't depressed anymore. My life is very different from what it was. I still struggle with depression though. I get sad and i mess up. But i know that i am never alone. I set goals. I started a blog. I'm going to see a counselor. There are things you can do to no matter if you are the one depressed or have a friend who is. Don't give up. That's the most important thing. Don't give up on that friend and especially don't give up on yourself.